Radical Avenue

Apology: After weeks of soul searching and frank discussions with my friends and family, I have decided to come forward and speak with you in the media today. I still believe in the sanctity of marriage and family values. However I have always been completely honest with all of you and I must therefore report that a relationship which started quite innocently grew completely out of control and has begun to cause turmoil in my marriage. I have been unfaithful to my wife.
Translation: Those sneaky reporters caught me with my pants down at the airport.

Apology: I want to first apologize to my wife Judy, who has always been by my side through thick and thin. I know that I must work hard to regain your trust.
Translation: My wife has offered to surgically remove my cajones.

Apology: I must also apologize to my three wonderful children; Jeremy, age 11, who loves to play soccer in the back yard, Jimmy, age 7, who gets taller every day, and of course, little Jessica, age 3.
Translation: My kids think I’m a jerk.

Apology: I plan on continuing to serve the good people of this state to the best of my abilities.
Translation: I need to serve out my term in order to collect a full pension.

Apology: I would also like to apologize to my dog Sparky.
Translation: ???

Tired of politics? Go here for the latest on professional wrestling or here for Pop Culture Buzz.

As Paris Hilton’s presidential campaign gains momentum, we’re beginning to learn more about her plans for energy independence in America. Her platform calls for additional offshore drilling only as a stopgap measure while we concentrate our investments on renewables. This prudent, bipartisan approach will appeal to legislators looking for compromise on an important issue.

John McCain’s energy platform was written by lobbyists for Exxon, Shell and BP. He’ll set up another confrontation with his opponents in Congress and try to score some cheap political points.

Paris clearly has the upper hand on sustainable energy, but how does she stack up in other ways? Let’s take a look.

Gritty v. Pretty
McCain: Senator McCain has a strong profile when photographed from his right. That stern demeanor will surely sway voters who admire similar qualities in Dick Cheney. McCain should study Ben Stiller’s character in Zoolander for guidance in avoiding left hand turns at public events.

Hilton: Paris has been photographed from many angles and performs well under bad lighting. However her dazzling style may intimidate fashion victims like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and North Korean Supreme Commander Kim Jong Il. Our relations with these countries are bad enough already.

Advantage McCain

Mean v. Preen
McCain: Senator McCain is unhappy because a) he thinks he was right all along about Iraq, but nobody listened to him; b) he thinks he was right all along about campaign finance reform, but nobody listened to him; and c) he thinks he’s had it right all along about his opponent, but nobody’s listening to him, other than Joe Lieberman. Or perhaps Senator McCain just prefers to avoid discussing the major issues of our time:

• Fiscal Policy - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Foreign Affairs - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Jobs - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Health Care - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Housing - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Global Warming - McCain has embraced Al Gore’s ideology, but never mentions Gore by name as that might embarrass George W. Bush.

Hilton: Girls just wanna have fun.

Advantage Hilton

Grumps v. Pumps
McCain: John McCain is angry because he believes that the media has unfairly portrayed him a crotchety old man.

Hilton: As President, Paris Hilton would turn the United States into the woman’s footwear capital of the world.

Advantage Hilton

Paris wins by a margin of 2 to 1!

With each passing day our country edges closer to a truly momentous occasion. The upcoming presidential election promises to be an acrimonious affair pitting the young idealist intent on etching his profile in stone against the battle scarred veteran determined to keep the brash rookie at bay. In this strange new millennium, so many of the old barriers have already been demolished. Race no longer disqualifies. Women battle toe to toe with men on the campaign trail. Age is an attitude. Now, as destinies collide…

When did history get to be so melodramatic?

Obama doesn’t have much time
Yes, yes, the democratic nominee has a mere five months to tell Americans about his plans for the country. With only a few hundred million in the bank, he’ll need to spend carefully. And the networks will never cover an improbable story like the first black presidential nominee of a major US political party.

Let’s remember, most households now have fewer than five working televisions, three internet connections, a couple of cellular phones, one blackberry and a boombox out in the garage. So Americans have a limited capacity to acquire information as well.

He’s under pressure to pick Hillary
Senator Obama is under pressure to win. A strong running mate helps, so his staff will assemble a bunch of advisers in a room. He’ll get to see charts, read polls and hear competing opinions. If a certain Senator from New York ends up on the top of his wish list, Hillary will receive a phone call.

It has to be devastating
The 3,000 Continental Airlines workers headed for the unemployment line may be a little late with their sympathy cards to disappointed presidential contenders. Several commander in chief applicants have interviewed well, but there’s only one position available at this time. All of the candidates are free to apply again in four years.

Obama, presidential election

In the sixth month, Democratic Party Elders sent the Messenger Howard Dean to Chappaquiddick, a town in New York, to a politician married to a man named Bill, from the town of Hope. The politician’s name was Hillary. Howard Dean went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Democratic Party is with you.”

Hillary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But Howard Dean said to her, “Do not be afraid, Hillary, you have found favor with Democrats. You will nominate and give endorsement to a Prince, and you will know him by the name Barack. He will be great and will be called the Leader of the Democratic Party. The voters will award him the throne of the Presidency and he will reign over the people from the House of White in the land of Washington; and his legacy will never end.”

Hillary asked Howard Dean, “How can I be sure of this? My husband and I have been faithful to the Party for many years.”

Howard Dean answered, “I am Howard Dean. I stand in the presence of all Democratic primary voters, and I have been sent to speak to you and to tell you this good news. And now you will be silent and not able to address the delegates until the convention, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their proper time.”

Meanwhile, the townspeople were waiting for Howard Dean and wondering why he stayed so long in the house of Hillary. When he came out, he could not speak to them. They realized he had seen an unholy vision in the house, for he kept staring blankly at them but remained unable to speak.

When Hillary realized that she had been outwitted by the Superdelegates, she was furious. She called together all of her best political consultants and pollsters, and asked them how to defeat this young Prince Barack.

And having been warned by a campaign staffer not to go back to Hillary, Howard Dean returned to Vermont by another route.

Democrats

News flash, April 1, 2008:
Very few Americans had even heard of this tiny Persian Gulf country before that fateful day in October 2000. That’s when suicide bombers rammed a boat loaded with explosives into the USS Cole and blasted a gaping hole in the side of the ship.

You could say that the US kept assistance to the Yemenis on ice for a few years after the Cole incident. But lately more and more Washington insiders have come to recognize how strategically important this tiny nation is to the War on Terror. Over the past few months our government has quietly initiated an ambitious new program which seeks to partner Yemeni citrus growers with young entrepreneurs.

Yemeni citizens have seen it all before. One farmer near the town of Meringue had this to say: “This barren land can be unforgiving, so help from the US sounds like cool refreshment on a hot summer day. But the Americans launched a similar initiative long ago. They came in and treated us like little children, as though we didn’t understand the basics of a commercial enterprise. Then they put the squeeze on us whenever we failed to meet their expectations. I think I speak for everyone when I say the whole thing left me with a sour taste in my mouth.”

Special Ambassador Armstrong Meyer spoke optimistically about the plan. “Look, anybody can put up a stand on the sidewalk and sell to the people passing by. This program will allow Yemeni citizens to save money for school and learn business skills at the same time.”

Yemen Aid

And having seen and understood the Word of the Gipper, John McCain descended from the top of Capitol Hill and spoke these words:

1. I am the presidential nominee of the Republican Party, which has brought thee out of the land of winner take all primaries. Thou shalt have no other deities before Ronald Reagan.

2. Thou shalt not take the name of Ronald Reagan in vain.

3. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image of Ronald Reagan, or any unpleasant likeness of anything that is associated with Ronald Reagan. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to anyone but Ronald Reagan, nor serve any cause higher than exalting in the conservative mantra of Ronald Reagan.

4. Remember Ronald Reagan’s birthday, to keep it holy.

5. Honor Ronald Reagan as thy father and Nancy as thy mother: that thy days may be long.

6. Thou shalt not kill public works projects named after Ronald Reagan.

7. Thou shalt not get caught committing adultery as that would embarrass the party of Ronald Reagan.

8. Thou shalt not steal Ronald Reagan’s political slogans except when giving full credit to the Great Communicator.

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against Ronald Reagan.

10. Thou shalt not covet Ronald Reagan’s ranch in Santa Barbara nor his presidential library in Simi Valley; thou shalt certainly not covet Ronald Reagan’s wife, nor his ex-wife, nor his daughters, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is a part of Ronald Reagan’s most venerated heritage.

Republicans

Welcome to the dawning of a New Age in Republican politics. John McCain has finally earned the near universal love and support of his comrades in the GOP. And with the right nominee for Vice President at his side, Senator McCain should hold his own in November. Several candidates have emerged as possibilities for Vice President.

Fred Thompson
Pros – No one could bolster McCain’s Law & Order credentials like Senator Thompson. Thompson also has a great voice for radio commercials and is McCain’s old buddy from Congress. Next to Thompson, McCain looks positively vibrant.
Cons – The former Senator from Tennessee hails from a Republican state and is not the most dynamic campaigner.

Mike Huckabee
Pros – The affable Governor Huckabee helps McCain with evangelical voters. His name could also be used in a catchy campaign slogan like “Tailhook U and Huckabee Too”. (Senator McCain would need to use a more conventional slogan if he chooses someone like Governor Tim Pawlenty of Minnesota as his running mate.)
Cons – Huckabee is a safe pick.

Beyonce
Pros – She sings. She dances. She acts. She has enough crossover appeal to bring in hip hop and smooth jazz voters alike. What more could you want in a running mate?
Cons – Beyonce might outshine the guy at the top of the ticket.

Eli Manning
Pros – Everyone’s favorite scrappy underdog would meld perfectly with the McCain persona and is popular in New York.
Cons – Manning has yet to publicly describe his stance on campaign finance reform.
(more…)

Categories matter. That’s good news to undecided voters. According to the network Super Tuesday election coverage, you need only identify your designated slot to understand how you should vote. It’s like reading the bar codes from a warehouse full of boxed widgets. Here is a breakdown of the news coverage breakdown.

Gender
Hillary Clinton has a clear advantage in this election because of her popularity among women. Everybody knows that women live longer and that more women vote. Of course Barack Obama consistently wins a higher percentage of the men’s vote than Hillary wins among women.

In a general election, more men vote Republican and Republican women may not support Hillary, but if she wins over Obama’s men it would all even out. Clearly gender alone will not determine the outcome of this election.

Age
Older voters also choose Hillary, which must put a twinkle in her eye. We’ve all heard that kids never make it to the polls. Now in some of the early primaries and caucuses young voters turned out in record numbers for Barack Obama. But surely that won’t last. Isn’t it time for Spring Break?

Voters over 60 might prefer John McCain in November however. McCain would be one of the oldest presidents in our history. Of course that would leave voters under 30 up for grabs. You really can’t look at age and gender alone to understand how people will vote.

Religion
Evangelical Christians from the South love Mike Huckabee, while Mountain West Mormons are fond of Mitt Romney. John McCain enjoys modest support from both religious and non-religious voters. Put those two groups together and McCain has just enough to win the nomination.

Buddhists appreciate Huckabee’s spirituality, but think McCain’s the guy to go over and kick some butt in Burma. But religion, age and gender alone will not decide this presidential race.

Hair Color
Hillary’s golden tresses will help her with young voters in the coastal states. Nevertheless, most middle class voters have dark hair, so they’ll identify with Obama.

And don’t forget McCain. His whitish/gray locks practically guarantee him a win in Florida.
(more…)

When did the football season get all mixed up with presidential politics? Let me see if I have this straight. All signs point to a blowout victory for one side, so we could have an upset. On team represents New York, the other Massachusetts.

Now which sport features the teammates that fight more amongst themselves than they do with the opponents? And which race has the racial overtones? Which one has the cheating phonies and which one is clean? Wasn’t one of the teams about to make history one of these days? Will someone wake me when it’s over?

I believe the Super Bowl is played on a weekend whereas Super Tuesday is during the week. But we have no Super events this week if you don’t count the Florida primary. Or was it the Arizona primary? Bring on the hype.

football, politics

Mitt Romney’s victory in Michigan has turned the Republican presidential race into a wide open affair, with three different candidates having now won a state. If Fred Thompson surges in South Carolina and Rudy Giuliani’s lead holds up in Florida, all bets are off. A last minute candidate could jump right in and steal the nomination. Here are some possibilities, in no particular order.

Condoleezza Rice
For months now, the Democrats have droned on and on about how their party is about to make history by nominating either an African American or a woman. As an African American woman, Secretary of State Rice would bring a doubly historic presence to the race. Besides, Ms. Rice had a tough talk with al Maliki in Iraq while her boss was kicking in Kuwait last week. And she already has the keys to the Oval Office.

Chuck Norris
Walker, Texas Ranger has been propping up Mike Huckabee’s campaign for months now, and it’s Chuck’s turn to take the reins. Norris would fix the big mess in Washington by opening up a few cans of whoopass. He’d also make history as the first bearded President in over a hundred years.

King Kong
The Big Ape knows how to watch over New York City. As the name suggests, King Kong has experience as a Supreme Ruler of the land, and wouldn’t let Congress chain him down. Kong hopes that voters will overlook his past run-ins with the law, and instead focus on his economic policies. As the first President of species Megaprimatus kong, King’s election would turn the page on a new chapter in our country’s history.
(more…)

All right children, gather round and show everyone what you got for Christmas this year. Yes the presidential candidates can leave early this time. There are only seven vote shopping days left until the Iowa caucuses.

Look here’s little Bill Clinton. Bill received a set of luggage from Hillary this year. I guess she wants him to get a head start on that roving ambassador job. And Santa gave Bill a universal male to female adaptor plug so he can get turned on wherever he goes. How nice.

What’s that you’re wearing young Nancy Pelosi? “I went big game hunting with George W. Bush and all I caught was this lousy T-Shirt”. And on the back it says “Congressional Cave In Tour 2007″. Very trendy.

And who could forget the new Attorney General Mike Mukasey? This year Santa brought little Mike a Waterboard Fountain. Relax to soothing trickling and gurgling sounds. Feel the comfort of knowing that your government will do whatever it takes to keep you safe. Flip the switch and it will sing any song you want to hear. Batteries included. Well that will come in handy.
(more…)

Santa Claus called. He’s making another list and checking it twice, but needs assistance with the current crop of presidential candidates. I told him how things were looking from out here in the blogosphere.

Very Naughty
Mike Huckabee’s dark side got the best of him recently. Do Mormons believe that Jesus and the devil are brothers? Ask Mike the Sucker Puncher Huckabee. The former governor could have taken the high road and not insulted Mitt Romney’s religion for political gain. He took the low road instead.

Mike thinks his words were taken out of context. What would the correct context be for such an insinuation? Unless Huck just wanted to get under Mitt’s skin…

Mitt Romney has responded by going medieval on Huckabee over everything from pardons to immigration. The Romney campaign shows no signs of backing off during the holiday season either. Bah, humbug.

Rather Naughty
Hillary Clinton says she had no idea that the New Hampshire chairman of her presidential campaign planned to trash Barack Obama over teenage drug use. Right. Fortunately for Hillary, she’s gotten her groove back after an endorsement by the Des Moines Register. And that “you need experience to change” line is more confusing than threatening.

Rudy Giuliani enjoys slamming Hillary a bit too much. The former mayor’s terrorist warning system could use a rest as well. Giuliani gets bonus points though, for his buoyant Christmas message which includes a cameo by good old St. Nick. Heartwarming.

Naughty
John Edwards hasn’t had anything nice to say about those poor insurance companies and their lobbyist friends in a while. I guess that’s better than complaining about the other presidential candidates.
(more…)

News Flash: Hillary Clinton had a plant ask her friendly questions at a recent campaign event.

Fern: As a plant, I’m concerned about the environment. Can you tell me about your policy on global warming?
Senator Clinton: It’s funny you should ask that. I was just thinking I hope someone asks me a question about global climate change. As you know global warming isn’t just a lot of hot air with me. I’ve developed concrete plans for making this a greener planet and I’ll be sharing those plans with you over the next few months. Yes, you in the purple coat.

Violet: What can you say to assure me that as president, you will respect the other branches of government?
Ms. Clinton: I certainly understand President Bush’s decision to invade Iraq without a declaration of war from Congress. After all, he had those troops in Kuwait with nothing better to do. But I can also understand why Congress would want to be consulted prior to the invasion of a sovereign nation. That’s why I’ve always maintained a consistent position on this issue. You have a question, the slender man in the back.
(more…)

You will normally find me discussing contemporary politics on this blog, but today I need to get something off my chest. I fear that excessive commercialization of Halloween has disguised the true meaning of this glorious holiday. Now I can get past the silly fake tombstones and spider webs on neighborhood lawns. I’ll even accept little kids dressed up as princesses and cowboys even though these outfits aren’t even scary. But I have to draw the line when it comes to these ridiculous “exotic” costume balls popping up all over the place this time of year. This is nothing more than a bunch of decadent suburbanites prancing around in skimpy fetish outfits as though Halloween was meant for fun. We’ve replaced horror with horny.

Long ago the Celts celebrated Samhain on the night before their November 1st New Year. They believed that on October 31st, the ghosts of the dead returned to earth in order to burn crops and cause other trouble. Later Pope Boniface IV designated November 1st All Saints Day and the night before became known as All Hallows Eve, or Halloween. I suppose it’s good that saints have their own holiday. After all, they’ve performed miracles, inspired people and so forth. But how many of us will ever become saints? Isn’t it nice to know that there’s something for the rest of us when we die? Of course it’s not a full day, but an evening is better than nothing.

Halloween should be about re-animated dead people. When most people expire, they follow the light to the end of the tunnel and pass peacefully into the afterlife. But every once in a while, someone says: “Hell no. I’m staying right here in my earthly home to haunt my friends and family. And if someone else moves into this house, I’ll scare them too.” Imagine how boring life would be without a few wayward spirits. We need to show some respect for the neglected ghosts and goblins among us. Let’s make Halloween spooky again.

Halloween, spooky, scary, Samhain, All Saints Day, All Hallows Eve, dead people, ghosts, goblins, spirits, exotic balls, spirits, hauntings