Site Meter Radical Avenue » Blog Archive » Hanoi Hilton v. Paris Hilton

Hanoi Hilton v. Paris Hilton

by

As Paris Hilton’s presidential campaign gains momentum, we’re beginning to learn more about her plans for energy independence in America. Her platform calls for additional offshore drilling only as a stopgap measure while we concentrate our investments on renewables. This prudent, bipartisan approach will appeal to legislators looking for compromise on an important issue.

John McCain’s energy platform was written by lobbyists for Exxon, Shell and BP. He’ll set up another confrontation with his opponents in Congress and try to score some cheap political points.

Paris clearly has the upper hand on sustainable energy, but how does she stack up in other ways? Let’s take a look.

Gritty v. Pretty
McCain: Senator McCain has a strong profile when photographed from his right. That stern demeanor will surely sway voters who admire similar qualities in Dick Cheney. McCain should study Ben Stiller’s character in Zoolander for guidance in avoiding left hand turns at public events.

Hilton: Paris has been photographed from many angles and performs well under bad lighting. However her dazzling style may intimidate fashion victims like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and North Korean Supreme Commander Kim Jong Il. Our relations with these countries are bad enough already.

Advantage McCain

Mean v. Preen
McCain: Senator McCain is unhappy because a) he thinks he was right all along about Iraq, but nobody listened to him; b) he thinks he was right all along about campaign finance reform, but nobody listened to him; and c) he thinks he’s had it right all along about his opponent, but nobody’s listening to him, other than Joe Lieberman. Or perhaps Senator McCain just prefers to avoid discussing the major issues of our time:

• Fiscal Policy - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Foreign Affairs - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Jobs - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Health Care - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Housing - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Global Warming - McCain has embraced Al Gore’s ideology, but never mentions Gore by name as that might embarrass George W. Bush.

Hilton: Girls just wanna have fun.

Advantage Hilton

Grumps v. Pumps
McCain: John McCain is angry because he believes that the media has unfairly portrayed him a crotchety old man.

Hilton: As President, Paris Hilton would turn the United States into the woman’s footwear capital of the world.

Advantage Hilton

Paris wins by a margin of 2 to 1!


Leave a Reply


About Radical Avenue

Radical Avenue is about promoting objective standards in government. Taxpayers deserve proactive public policy solutions developed through rigorous scientific analysis, not empty promises based on convenient theories.

Radical Avenue Author(s)

Blogging Flair

Politics & News Channel Posts

  • Bilderberg List - The Canadians
    List of Bilderberg attendees is a list of prominent persons who have attended one or more conferences organized by the Bilderberg Group. The list is currently organized by category. It is not a [...]
  • Introducing Social Media
    Here I’ve been, for a month or so, writing this blog and not once have I mentioned the power of social media.  Now, with that in mind, you have to know that I have made social media a large [...]
  • Bristol Palin talks about teen pregnancy
    During the 2008 presidential campaign, GOP vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin drew criticism and controversy when it was found out that her teenage daughter Bristol was pregnant, especially in [...]
  • Obama and Michelle
    So, ok, I get it, Obama went to Canada for his first international trip.  Is that really considered an international trip?  I mean, let’s be safe and all, guard our ol’ Pres because [...]
  • Onward Octo Mom
    Ok, I didn’t mention this earlier…mainly because I didn’t mention much of anything but the fact of the matter is, I can’t keep my trap shut on this issue any longer.  And, I have to [...]
  • Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's visit to Indonesia
    In building bridges, one must take down a few walls, and as Secreatary of State Hillary Clinton knows, one of the toughest walls to break sown is misconception - so she sought to set one [...]
  • The New Slavery? part three
    Thanks to The National Review for their hard work. Here comes 20,000,000 new government jobs..............The New Slavery $500,000,000 for improvement projects for National Institutes of [...]
  • Bilderberg List - The Americans
    List of Bilderberg attendees is a list of prominent persons who have attended one or more conferences organized by the Bilderberg Group. The list is currently organized by category. It is not a [...]
  • Golden State Tarnished
    Hold those pink slips! The California legislature has finally passed a budget in the same way that anxious people pass kidney stones – painfully. Now state offices can stay open, at least for [...]
  • Chimps and People – duh already
    Look, I’ll do my best to be objective here but I am not an animal lover.  I don’t like small dogs even.  I certainly don’t like those ever entertaining cats, even if I can watch cat [...]

Hot Off The Press