Radical Avenue

As Paris Hilton’s presidential campaign gains momentum, we’re beginning to learn more about her plans for energy independence in America. Her platform calls for additional offshore drilling only as a stopgap measure while we concentrate our investments on renewables. This prudent, bipartisan approach will appeal to legislators looking for compromise on an important issue.

John McCain’s energy platform was written by lobbyists for Exxon, Shell and BP. He’ll set up another confrontation with his opponents in Congress and try to score some cheap political points.

Paris clearly has the upper hand on sustainable energy, but how does she stack up in other ways? Let’s take a look.

Gritty v. Pretty
McCain: Senator McCain has a strong profile when photographed from his right. That stern demeanor will surely sway voters who admire similar qualities in Dick Cheney. McCain should study Ben Stiller’s character in Zoolander for guidance in avoiding left hand turns at public events.

Hilton: Paris has been photographed from many angles and performs well under bad lighting. However her dazzling style may intimidate fashion victims like Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and North Korean Supreme Commander Kim Jong Il. Our relations with these countries are bad enough already.

Advantage McCain

Mean v. Preen
McCain: Senator McCain is unhappy because a) he thinks he was right all along about Iraq, but nobody listened to him; b) he thinks he was right all along about campaign finance reform, but nobody listened to him; and c) he thinks he’s had it right all along about his opponent, but nobody’s listening to him, other than Joe Lieberman. Or perhaps Senator McCain just prefers to avoid discussing the major issues of our time:

• Fiscal Policy - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Foreign Affairs - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Jobs - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Health Care - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Housing - McCain will follow the course laid out by George W. Bush.
• Global Warming - McCain has embraced Al Gore’s ideology, but never mentions Gore by name as that might embarrass George W. Bush.

Hilton: Girls just wanna have fun.

Advantage Hilton

Grumps v. Pumps
McCain: John McCain is angry because he believes that the media has unfairly portrayed him a crotchety old man.

Hilton: As President, Paris Hilton would turn the United States into the woman’s footwear capital of the world.

Advantage Hilton

Paris wins by a margin of 2 to 1!